If you are not a believer this may not be for you. But, I read a status update by Sarah Robbins yesterday that spoke deeply to me and I wanted to express why, since I feel that whenever I struggle with something there is a chance someone else is too. Perhaps this can help.
For as long as I can remember I have hated people judging people. I am pretty sure its because I was bullied every day for five years from 5th through 9th grades. It was harsh and I could never understand why people were so mean. I was poor so an easy target. One pair of pants every day, no car, sorta looked like a freak since getting all the cool stuff wasn’t exactly an option, etc. Still, it made me question if something really was wrong with me on the inside and I have lived with that ever since. Even when I met my husband, I was treated poorly by him and his family. He has since changed, they have not. So, I focused on survival skills. What did I have to do to make it in this world. I thought that making it would make me fit in. Wrong!!! I was so scared of failure that I learned my jobs in excess, and usually had excessive success. For that, I was ridiculed and had rumors spread about me like crazy. I even had an affair with Kaylee Siber and was fighting with my husband for two years over whether I should stay or leave him for Kaylee. This was an actual rumor about me. Nothing has changed. In Plexus there are false impressions of me and false information floating around. People still make assumptions where they shouldn’t and I was still getting hurt by this, especially with Plexus which for the most part is an extremely loving place.
When i say hurt, I mean really hurt, like when I was back in 8th grade, my worst year ever. I just had a conversation with a dear friend this very week about what this was doing to me and that I needed to find a way to release all the pain. The following day, God sent me his sign. I should have known. It was Sarah’s status. In a nutshell, she reminded me that the only person I need to worry about loving me is God. It is so true that it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. And, God will not judge. God will not make false assumptions. I found it very freeing. I also found myself say, I forgive. I forgive those that have judged me. I forgive those that have judged me. Those few sweet words released so much tension for me. I know it is not me. I know it is not even them. It is fear. It is lack of trust. But, deeply I know those people are made of love just like everyone in this world. So, with that, I can breathe a sigh of relief and know that God’s got my back. No matter what happens, I will always be loved. How secure. How refreshing. How settling. I will never do everything the way each individual person wants me to, but I am doing my best and I do it out of love. There is not one action that I take that I don’t question, what feels like a thousand times, to make sure it is the best step I can take to better those around me. And, sometimes I have to make decisions based on what is best for me, usually mentally speaking. That is the best I can do and if mistakes still occur then so be it. At the end of the day, I will have God by my side to strengthen and guide. What better mentor is there?
I recommend you all read Sarahs status update from July 25th. It was fantastic. If you suffer from feeling judged, and you have faith, this will help you.